Borrisoleigh Cows wondering who is going to milk them if the lads win on Sunday

Borrisoleigh cows, who did not wish to be identified, are concerned over who will milk them on Monday after the All Ireland Final if Borris-Ileigh win their 2nd All Ireland Club title.


In an exclusive interview with, on the condition of anonymity, cows around the Borrisoleigh area have expressed a deep concern over milking on Monday next, the day after Borris-Ileigh GAA face Ballyhale Shamrocks in the All Ireland Club Hurling Final.

Daisy “who the fuck is going to milk us if Borris win?”

Speaking to our reporter Daisy (not her real name) said “It’s not that we don’t want them to win, we do, we wish them the very best of luck, but the girls are really worried. We’ve overheard talk among the farmers “that there won’t be cow milked in the parish if Borris win”. The ‘Full Udder Tails’ from 1987, the last time they won, are often told as horror stories to frighten young calves, with cows bulging at the udder for want of milking. Things were sketchy after they won the County Final last November, with udders full of milk until much later in the morning than usual. Paddy the Cock was crowing all day long and strutting around as if he had been playing himself. Then they went on and won the Munster Final and things went a bit haywire. The farmer couldn’t remember at one stage if he was bringing us in or letting us out. Even McCabe, the bull, was brought in and hooked up to the milking machine. He didn’t seem to mind too much though. But this, this is different, the place is gone mad with flags and bunting and what not. We’re all really worried, like, who the fuck is going to milk us if Borris win?”

Daisy has even put out an emotional appeal to newly elected IFA President and Tipperary man Tim Cullinane. “Maybe Tim as a proud Tipperary man might be able to rally some farmers from neighbouring towns and villages to relieve us on Monday. Either way myself and the rest of the girls have decided to fast over the weekend in the hope that we don’t produce much milk come Monday. Of course McCabe the bull is delighted, he’ll get all the feed to himself. At this stage now I just wish the world would stop and let me off”

When asked if she had heard about the latest study which reports that ‘Cows talk to each other about how they feel‘ a distraught Daisy said “ah would you ever fuck off”.


Best of luck to Borris-Ileigh from the

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